Regrets
by Menthol Pixie
Summary: X-Ray feels like he's failed a member of D-Tent. Can Zigzag help him realise that it wasn't his fault? Not a slash
1. Regrets

**A/N: I'm just editing this so that it's easier to read.**

**Summary: X-Ray doesn't want to be leader anymore, he feels like he's failed a member of D-Tent. Set about two years after Holes.**

**REGRETS**

_Zigzag POV_

X-Rays room was so dark. So dark and quiet. When I asked his Mum if he was home, she said that he hadn't been out in ages. Said she was worried about him.

"X?" There was a sudden movement in the corner of the room, a black shape moved.

"Zigzag?" his voice asked quietly.

"Yeah, it's me." My eyes had adjusted to the light now and I made my way over to where X-Ray sat, huddled in the corner. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah." I bit my lip, "X-Ray, what's going on? You're the leader-"

X-Ray snorted, "Some leader I was, look what happened."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Wasn't it? You said it yourself. I'm the leader. I let him down."

"No, X-"

"He's dead, Zigzag!! DEAD! And he wouldn't be if I'd been a better leader!"

I raised my hand and smacked him. He looked at me in shock. I'd never hit him before and didn't think I ever would. "X-Ray, I know you miss him. We all miss him, but there's nothing you could have done. There's nothing anyone could have done."

"If I'd just been there for him... If I'd noticed that something was wrong..." X-Ray was now crying quietly, I felt tears sting in my own eyes.

"You think I don't feel the same sometimes? You don't think I regret being so mean to him when he first came to Camp Green Lake? God, I made his life a living hell for the first week. Regret the way I only called him once after leaving Camp, the way I never asked about the bruises, the way I noticed the cuts up his wrist but didn't tell anyone?!" I took a few deep breaths, "It's been almost three months. You have to forgive yourself, there's nothing you could have done."

"I found him! Remember that? I found him in his room with his wrists all slashed up! If I'd just got there half an hour earlier Squid would still be alive!"

"X-Ray, Squid didn't kill himself because you failed him. He killed himself because... well, I don't know, because he was hurting inside and he wanted it to stop, maybe? Because he didn't want to keep being the boy without a father whose mother spends all day passed out on the couch? You didn't force him to kill himself! He did that, it was nothing to do with you! Nothing to do with anyone but him!" I wiped away my tears.

_*Flashback*_

The coffin was slowly lowered into the ground.

Zigzag looked around him at the poor turnout. All of D-Tent was there, and Squids cousins... that was all. His mother had been there earlier, but had left halfway though. Zigzag saw her drinking from a wine bottle in her car. She didn't cry. In fact, no one was crying. They just stood there, staring down at the coffin. Shocked, still and silent. Squid was only 16, only 16. Too young for a coffin.

_*Flashback Ends*_

I put my arms around X-Ray and let him cry on my shoulder. Later, we went out, to the cemetery. Stood there for a long time just looking at the grave. I smiled, when I saw that someone, probably Armpit or Magnet, and crossed out 'Alan' and written 'Squid' over it.

"...but I'm the leader... I should have been there..." X-Ray whimpered.

I shook my head, "You were there, he just didn't let you in. He didn't let anyone in."

We were both quiet for a while.

"Did you hear about his mother?"

"No, what 'bout her?"

"She's in jail. Child abuse and neglect."

"Good, that bitch deserves it," X-Ray said through clenched teeth.

"Yeah... but you don't deserve what you're putting yourself through. If you wanna blame someone, blame his mum." X-Ray looked at me for a minute, "Man, when did you get so smart?"

I shrugged, "You know that tube thing Caveman found in his hole at camp?"

"Yeah," X-Ray looked at me funny.

"I was talking to that dude in my math class, it ain't his." X-Ray laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. I'll bet it was the first time he'd laughed in months.


	2. Silence

Silence  
  
Zigzag kicked at stones as he shuffled down the street with X-Ray, bundled up in coats and scarfs to keep out the frosty morning air. They walked in silence. All around them was silence. Not a bird in the sky singing. Not a single person in sight. X-Ray sighed, "They're gonna build a mall here," he read from one of the signs in front of the rubble. The rubble had once been a house, and the house had once stood next to Squids. Squids house was next in line for demolition. Two people were sitting on the porch, hiden by an overgrown bush. They stood when they saw X-Ray and Magnet walking towards them. "Hey," the both muttered as a greeting. Both of their faces were red and blotchy from tears. "Hey Pit, Magnet." "You bring it?" asked Zigzag. Magnet nodded, picking up the large can of gasoline, "Stole it from my parents," he said simply. No line about his fingers being magnets like usual. He just looked up at the house and away from the group, so that they wouldn't see his tears. "Well, lets get on with it then," said X-Ray, steeping up to the door. The lock had been smashed so it opened easily. Squids house was small, one story, and gray. Already dust had begun to settle on the tops of tables with missing legs and the furnature looked moth eaten. But maybe it had looked like that before Squid and his mum left. The house seemed empty and, despite its small size, very big. Big and empty. They walked through it quietly, ducking under cobwebs. There were several empty beer bottles on the floor. X-Ray stood in the doorway of Squids room for a long time.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
His eyes widened in horror. They travelled up from the floor, where there was a puddle of blood, to the hand that hung limply over the edge of the bed. Blood dripped from the finger tips. The eyes travelled up from the fingertips to the wrist. There was a deep gash, running three inches up the arm. Squids other wrist had been cut too, in his hand he held a razor blade. As X-Ray watched, it fell from limp fingers to the ground. "Squid?" he whispered. His legs wouldn't move fast enough. They seemed to hold him back as he forced himself over to the bedside. "Squid?" Did he expect an answer? If he did he didn't get one. Squids dark brown hair created a stunning contrast with the paleness of his face. His eyes were shut and his lips were tinged blue around the edges. X-Ray dialed 111 on his cell phone, in a daze, eyes not moving from Squid. He felt tears fall. He couldn't stop them, and for once, he didn't want to.  
  
*Flashback ends*  
  
"You ok?"  
  
X-Ray jumped at Zigzags voice. He took one last look at Squids room, then nodded. "Yeah. Just remembering." He looked around. "Is everything ready?" "Yup. Are you?" X-Ray nodded again, not trusting himself to speak. Magnet and Armpit were waiting outside. "Ready?" "Wait!" Magnet cried, "Shouldn't someone say something?" "What's there to say?" asked a voice. Caveman and Zero walked up to them. "It's all been said, hasn't it? At the funeral?" asked Caveman. "Yeah... I guess. It just feels like someone should say something." "What are you guys doing here?" "Zigzag called." "Good. I think that's all Squid would want. D-Tent here." D-Tent nodded in agreement. X-Ray looked at Zigzag. "Go for it." Zigzag struck a match. It spluttered into flame. He threw it through Squids door. The gasoline caught immediately, and soon the whole house was burning, sending dark clouds of smoke into the air. D-Tent watched. "C'mon," said X-Ray finally, "Lets go before someone catches us." They turned and walked away from the remains of the house, without a word. Silence filled the air again. 


End file.
